Not fair to pick on smokers indirectly
By Cem Erez
Hey guys! I have an idea. Let’s start a Quaker college based on the ideals we will refer to as the “Principles and Practices.”
Let’s let things like “respect for persons” and “integrity” be a part of these Principles and Practices that we’re going to live by.
Following me so far? Sounds pretty sweet, right? You know what we should do next? We should send stuff to the school newspaper that bashes a certain group of people.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, how on earth is that going to fly with the ideals you just put in? I’ll tell you how.
First we need to pick a group of people who don’t have souls, in order to avoid “respect for persons.” I mean, if they don’t have souls, how can one qualify them as people, right? Can anyone think of such people on Earlham? Oh, I know! Smokers!
Those ENCTs (evil Nazi commi-terrorists) had it coming when they decided to start hurting their own lungs and make all of us healthy stressful people even more stressed and pissed off (for reasons we’re not quite sure of).
But come on, what were they thinking? Standing under a semicover during storms? Of course I value my clean air more than your pathetic life that you’re gonna lose getting hypothermia.
You know what the best part is though? I’m not going to tell you directly to move 20 feet away from the building. That just loses the fun of it.
Instead I’m going to whine at all my friends and give you death glares. And then I’m going to post some more stuff to both cheers and sneers so I’ll be able to tell my problem to the whole wide world instead of taking initiative and talking to ENCTs myself.
That’s how we show our integrity. Instead of being honest and true with one another like the Principles and Practices tell us to, we post stuff behind their backs. Don’t we all love drama? Well here’s plenty of it.
All right, this is all the time we had for the week, guys. Next week on Smokers Suck, we’re going to investigate 99 reasons for why we should yell at smokers for tossing their cigarette butts on the ground. And how having only six ashtrays in the whole campus is not a good excuse for anything.
Butt out, y’all.
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