Earlham’s environmentalism just a joke
By Noah Gettle
This is a big ole’ exuberant cheer to our president, Douglas Bennett, for finally pulling aside the paper-thin veil of deception that has plagued our dear college for the last few years.
Finally, we can relax and breathe a sigh of relief. No more lies, no more hypocrisy. What we’ve all known since our freshman year is finally out there, made clear by none other than the head of dear college:
Earlham’s dedication to environmentalism is simply a joke.
Doug Bennett’s hilarious 2010 April Fool’s joke, in which he stopped us all dead in our tracks by informing us that Earlham was actually following through on its environmental “policy” and making it appear that we might have to sacrifice our ability to eat pineapple and watermelon in February, has ushered in a new era for our dear college.
By making it clear that this so-called environmental aspect of Earlham’s goals was nothing more than something to humor us, we can finally free ourselves of the bondage that has made maintaining this façade so awful.
Finally, we can do away with those bulky recycling bins that mar our common spaces. No more having to pretend like we feel guilty when we don’t put our leftover food in the compost bins, or that we don’t enjoy our rooms at a balmy 62 degrees on days when it’s 80.
Unveil your third dorm room mini-fridge, throw away your cloth grocery bags! Hashers, just toss your beer cans in the water or on the beach, and Saga, bring back our goddamn trays! Let’s get some of our tuition dollars back by selling the “Earlham Hybrid” (has it ever been used?) and by dumping our trash, once again where it belongs, at the Farm.
We can use the extra cash for important things like printing out a copy of every journal article that might contain one sentence worth of useful info for an upcoming research paper and installing new AC units in all of the houses.
And speaking of the Farm, is there really any more need for this backwards hippy-holdout? Let’s clear-cut it and plant as much corn and soy as possible, soaking it with herbicides and pesticides just as a f—-you- Michael-Pollan-for-telling-me-not- to-eat-Twinkies kind of thing.
And, of course, now seniors no longer need feel obligated to waste money on things like windmills, and can go back to spending money on something that is everlasting and eternally useful: a concrete bench.
Friends, this is truly a momentous and joyous time for our dear college in which we’ve finally thrown off the burden of such cumbersome restrictions. At last, we are one step closer to the elimination of Earlham’s silly hypocrisy. So bust out the 30- racks, feel good about throwing all thirty empties in the trash, and until next year’s April Fool’s in which Dougy B. tries informing us that Earlham is going to enforce its dry campus policy, let’s drink and celebrate!
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