Horoscopes of the week
By Anna McCormally and Michael Skib
Aries: March 21 – April 19
Isn’t it true that you would rather die of thirst than drink from the cup of mediocrity? Then thirst away, my Aries friend, for mediocrity surrounds you like the gaseous clouds surrounding Neptune.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Partly cloudy skies span today’s horizon, with a humid blanket sapping away at your intentions. Anticipate 1 to 2 inches of rain later in the evening.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
The abnormal oscillation of the rings of Saturn adumbrates a peculiar circumstance involving a close friend. Expect the unexpected.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Your shoes are under my bed, right next to the refrigerator. Left — no, more to the left. You’re getting warmer, warmer … there!
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
This week, why not try tanning at Cincinnati Tan on 3001 Main St? Look good, feel great!
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
The greyish smudge on the refractor of my telescope forebodes an accident of hazy proportions. Time, combined with a lack of spending on infrastructure, will prove that your fear of crossing bridges is not unfounded.
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Watch out for vengeful backstabbing Leo this week – he’s noticed you macking up on Sagittarius, as has the rest of the campus. Your deep affinity with sea creatures will serve you well.
Scorpio: Oct 23. – Nov. 21
You have an 8 page paper on the cell structure of Mao and its relation to feminism in post-colonial Nambia due next week. Better bone up!
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
The stars are saying that you should buy your Gemini friend a gift. The moon added, “A dildo!” Then all of them had a good laugh.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
The procession of the celestial orbs hither and fro on a cloudless, moonlit night indicates that either a great gift or male pattern baldness is in your future. It’s time to buy that new brand of shampoo you’ve seen at the local grocer.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Socialism nigh Intuition leads you well Avoid Scorpio
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
The really huge swirly spot on Jupiter presages the arrival of an unexpected guest. He will be carrying a large, wooden staff. Don’t open the door.
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