Simple solution ignored in campus smoking controversy
by Cem Erez
As many of you will agree, we have a serious problem on our hands. For too long we’ve sat by and said nothing as this “disease” takes over many of our fellow students. But no more. I will not tolerate this plague that’s turning my friends into hippies, druggies and terrorists anymore. I’m talking, of course, about smoking.
Did you know that you only have about 98.2 percent chance of living past 50 years if you breathe in two minutes of secondhand smoke every day (given that the tidal volume of adult lungs averages about one-half a liter)?
I don’t want to cause a panic, but these are some scary numbers, people. This means that if we don’t do something about it fast, only 98.2 percent of us will be able to see the Chinese take over of the world.
I don’t know about you guys, but I for one don’t want to risk the golden ages of my life past 50. Thankfully, Earlham does have a policy in place against this menace. Dirty smokers must maintain a separation distance of at least 20 feet from houses, residence halls, windows, doorways etc.
I urge you all to keep yelling at them (you’ve been doing a fantastic job) when you see them violating this rule. Do not make the rare mistake of asking them kindly because as we all know, smokers are not humans. If you use polite language and reasoning, they will try to recruit you into their ranks.
You know what the worst part is? Their ridiculous reasons for smoking to begin with.
Stress. Why would you be stressed in college? It’s not like we have work or deadlines or terrible habits of procrastination.
Depression. Nothing Ben and Jerry’s can’t take care of. One thousand two hundred calories later, you won’t feel a thing.
Family problems. What do you think is causing the problems to begin with? You smoking!
I mean, it doesn’t even make any sense. Why wouldn’t everyone just obey the strict rules of our dry campus, right? It doesn’t matter if it’s pouring out of heaven’s ass or that there’s four feet of snow. I don’t care if you get the flu and miss a week of classes. I don’t care if you get hypothermia or die. All I’m concerned about is my own lungs, and there is no room for a compromise.
No, what we really should do is to continue ignoring their need for a “smoking shack.” Thank god we keep declining their proposals for building a simple hut somewhere and providing them with a small heater for winter.
Think about it. No cigarette butts all over the campus. Cleaner air around the residence halls and houses. Lesser incidents of students smoking inside their dorms. Happier and warmer smokers. It’s too logical for us to do. Instead we should keep the current policy that motivates the students, especially in winter, to smoke inside so we can have our sweet $500 cash.
PS: This article was ironic.
Cem Erez is a freshman undeclared major and can be reached at hcerez08@earlham.edu.
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